Happy Birthday, Dave.

This is a special post for my friend Dave, who turns 30 today.

This one's for you Dave.

On the Fiat 500XL (and other crossover vehicles)

Fuck the Fiat 500XL so much.

*Vomits*

Look at that hideous piece of shit. It's not even just the styling that makes me hate this fucking thing but the name. The Fiat 500XL (or sometimes X or L separately).

Fiat 500XL

Fiat 500XL.

This is a Fiat 500.

It's a tiny little car, known for it's vintage style and inability to get up hills. This is a tiny car for use in the city that has a pitiful little engine. So, how is the Fiat 500XL a Fiat 500 in any way?

The answer, of course, is that it isn't. Beyond the name, all they share is a tiny amount of (terrible) front end styling and, most likely, the shoddy build quality that Fiat is known for these days.

This bastard child is just the most recent in a long line of fucking awful 'crossover' vehicles and they are all terrible.

Here's the Mini Countryman.

Why does this car even exist? Once again, they seem to have missed the entire point of what made Mini Coopers good cars. The thought process seems to be: "People like Coopers and idiots by crossover vehicles, so if we make a crossover look like a Cooper, idiots will buy it!"

And they were fucking right! I see these abominations all the damn time.

Here's why I hate crossover vehicles: They exemplify the idea "Jack of all trades, master of none."

Their large size makes them uneconomical and difficult to park (areas the Mini and 500 excel in) so they aren't great city cars, yet they're not 4x4 enough to actually go off road, so they're useless there, too. They're big yet still only have 5 seats and not all that much space. People go on about the high driving position, which is ideal for not seeing children which, given these pieces of shit seem to be most often driven by mothers on the school run, is just aces.

The other reason people use for buying these crapsacks is how safe they are. Let's talk about that, shall we.

Both the cars above score 5 stars on the NCAP (apparently, but I can't find the Countryman on the terrible NCAP site), which is great! But so does a 2003 Renault Espace, which would also give you more space and seats.

The problem is, these big, ridiculous cars are terrible for pedestrians and other motorists, for two reasons. One, if one of these things hits you, it's going to do a hell of a lot more damage than a regular sized car and if it hits your car head on, it's likely it will plough through your windscreen and into the cab. Two, if you see your car as much safer than other cars, you will actually drive more dangerously due to something called Risk Compensation. This would explain why so many people who drive these monstrosities do so like total bellends.

The prevalence of crossover type cars is growing and it drives me nuts. I have to drive near schools and mothers in these things are fucking deadly! They're too busy shouting at little Tabitha in the back to watch the road and pull up with no warning, usually on the yellow zig-zag lines which obviously mean Entitled Bitch parking.

Dear Tory Voters

I cannot even begin to express how disappointed I am in all of you.

There's simply no way that nearly 40% of the population are millionaires so I can only assume that some of you are middle or working class and yet you voted for the Tories. I won't act like I can even begin to understand why you would do such a colossally stupid thing.

But it's happened now and we're all in the same sinking boat. Apart from all the millionaires, obviously. They have helicopters.

Already, Cameron and his rich friends are trying to take away our human rights and strip the most needy of benefits. They've even appointed a known bigot as Equalities Minister!

After already wasting huge sums of money on a completely failed and pointless top down restructure of the NHS during the coalition years (money that could have gone to patient care) and after working out deals to sell big chunks of our health service to his rich friends, experts are predicting a slow death for the NHS. After all, it's not like Cameron and his Eton mates need to use poor people health care, is it? If they have no use for it, why should it exist?

Besides, with the Tory attitude to food banks we probably won't need it, as the poor people will have starved to death anyway. They'll need to do it on the street though, because the Tories will have sold off all the affordable housing.

Oh and they'll most likely start their own version of the NSA as well, as it was the Lib Dems that stopped them before. I wouldn't be surprised if the Great British Firewall comes back, too, because how can us dirty poor people be expected to know what is good for us? We need the nice millionaires to tell us how to lean a good, clean life. After all, politicians would never be involved in anything so depraved, would they?

So, when you're medical bills mount up and force you into bankruptcy and you lose your house, only to discover there is no no safety net and no affordable housing left and that even the food banks are gone, I hope you will think back to that day in May when you voted Tory and know that it is your fault.

You, personally.

You did this.

You asked for this.

You voted for this.

You have only yourself to blame.